Most days, when I think about becoming a mom I get pretty excited. Then, there are the days when fear takes hold and grabs my brain like a vice.

Sometimes it’s the unknown. Will our kid love and bond with us? What health issues, other than those we’ve already signed on for, might we face? Is he going to thrive, be happy and feel secure?

Fear also stems from my own insecurities. I’m 50. Am I going to be able to take on all that’s needed to raise a child? Will I figure out how to care for him and juggle new responsibilities?  Can I maintain my own health and sanity?

Change can be scary as all get out too. Life is pretty darn good at the moment. Big Papa and I have a wonderful relationship. We go wine tasting and take little trips. Right now, there’s no shortage of peace and quiet for writing, and I can spend two hours at the gym if I want to. When two becomes three, how do we hang on to even a smidgen of that?

This is where I land when fear clouds my mind and I let doubt creep in. The irony is that it’s not like I haven’t experienced challenges or adversity in my life. I’ve had plenty. My sister had brain cancer when I was twelve. A few months later, my father had a major stroke, which paralyzed his left side. As for myself, I’ve been unemployed, in debt, have been through four surgeries of my own, and have enough dating horror stories to fill a very long novel.

Even in my darkest hours, I managed to keep my head above water. I’m a trouper. In fact, sometimes I credit life’s trials for making me a stronger, more empathetic and even more interesting person. When I’m feeling fragile, I try to remind myself that I found my way through the past 50 years, and I can tackle parenthood.

Today, in my cycling class, our instructor Don played ‘Life’s a climb’. My muscles burned and sweat poured down my brow as I listened to the lyrics. I thought to myself, yeah that’s it. Life is a climb, and parenthood is just another mountain. Truth is I relish it, the exhilaration I get from pushing myself, trying something new and stretching myself just that much farther.  I get one go-round in this life to taste it all, and I want to savor every bite.

Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb